When I was a junior in high school there
was an incident in my life where I tried to commit suicide. The year was 1980. Me and two of my friends were hanging out together.
Back then I thought I could only have one friend at a time. That seemed to be how it was. Anyway, we were hanging out on the
weekend just having fun. We were all watching T.V. Now, I've never been much on T.V. and sure can't remember the names of
the actors and actresses. The two of them were deep in conversation about the movie and who was playing what part, etc. I
felt totally left out. The fear of them getting closer and leaving me out of the loop came rushing in my mind. They were laughing
and talking and seemed to be having a really good time. I left the room and when I came back the worst feeling came over me.
I stayed in the room for several minutes but the bad feeling was getting stronger. I couldn't seem to deal with it. I left
the room and went into the kitchen, grabbed the Tylenol bottle and took every pill that was in that bottle, it was nearly
full. Now you may be sitting there saying, well Tylenol wouldn't hurt you, but the thought of suicide was there, at least
for the time that it took me to swallow the pills. I really didn't want to hurt myself, but I wanted them to notice me,
and I didn't seem to fit in at the time. I was taken to the ememgency room and I remember my friends being dumbfounded and
totally confused over what they had done to cause me to want to take my life.
On June 5, 2003, I awoke from a dream that I had about the above
incident. The pain, anger, and bitterness was so strong. It was just like it was that day in 1980. I tried to stuff it back
and just ignore it, but I couldn't. I had to work that day, but after work I contacted John Spangler at Through It All
Ministries. After work, I went to counsel with John and during that counseling session God healed me of the painful memories
of that incident. What I didn't know at the time of the incident was that satan was out to destroy me. It wasn't my friends
and it wasn't me. God showed me that what I thought happened that day did not really happen. Satan magnified the feelings
that I was having at the time and made it seem real. He made it seem that the two of my friends were going to be friends
and I was going to be left out, with no friend. God revealed the truth and I was set free of the painfeul memories and all
the shame and guilt that I had carried for twenty-three (23) years. After my counseling session with John, I came out of his
office and went into the sanctuary to share my experience with some of the other gals that were at church that day. I then
went into my office and wrote a song, "God Took The Hurt Away." Later I wrote another song, "He Does Not Condemn Me."
Sometimes we forget that we live in a spiritual warfare.
Satan is out to destroy us, "God's people," and to make the lost people believe that there is no hope in living. I had lived with the guilt and shame for all those years. I was saved before 1980 but I still carried the guilt
and shame. There are so many people in this world that face suicidal thoughts each day and some carry those thoughts out.
They see no hope in living. Today, I can look back and remember that incident, but there is no pain. I thank God for revealing
the truth and healing me of those horrible memories.
God is so good, those two friends that were with me then, are my
best friends today. Movies and T.V. are still not my thing. I don't watch often but when I do, I don't give satan the time
of day. He's not the One who saved me, God is. I thank God for the teachings that I recieved at Trinity Baptist Church
and for the many hours that John Spangler had dedicated to helping me and others that have counseled with him. I thank John
for having a dream like Through It All Ministries and working for God.
Please remember that God created you and He Loves you. Satan is
out to steal, kill, and destroy. As you read my testimony, if there is any thought in your mind of suicide please pick up
the phone and call for help. Not just any help, call us at Through It All Ministries (940) 663-2033. John counsels
in Quanah every Tuesday. He is in Seymour the rest of the week. We are not able to be by the phone all the time so you may
reach the answering machine, but please leave your name and number and we will call you back.
Praying for you,